Please Don't Leave Me
by Madame-DiscoBloodbath
Summary: Dean kills monsters that go bump in the night, but two days before Christmas he does something that makes him feel like one of the mosters he despises so much. Den wants to numb the pain of guilt, and Castiel tries to reason with, and comfort him. ALSO: Christmas.
1. Two Days Before Christmas

A/N: ahoy there readers, I must warn you that there will probably be some things that do not line up with the show, and I apologize. I also do not own Supernatural or any of its character _blah blah blah blah. . . . _Thanks for taking the time read my fic. AND ON THAT NOTE: on with the story

"She's gone, its time to walk away." Cas said sympathetically.

"How can you say that? How _dare _you?" Dean shouted pathetically, banging his fists on the ground like a child. Her tiny body lay unmoving on the concrete floor, as it had for hours. Her festive outfit had been ruined by the pool of blood that now surrounded her; her pigtails destroyed, the blood disguising all of blonde that had once graced them.

"We need to leave before someone finds us" he urged, Dean turned to face him, his eyes were dry but the look in them spoke volumes.

"Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, did you know that?" he asked

"Yes Dean, I am aware that tomorrow is Christmas Eve. What I don't know is how that is relevant to our current situation."

"She's probably been staring at her presents for days, shaking the boxes and begging to be told what's inside, she probably still believes in Santa Claus, I bet she wrote him a letter, and was baking cookies with her grandma for tomorrow night, and-" his voice lapsed into silence, he couldn't bear to continue the rest of the sentence, because in doing so he would have to acknowledge it was all his fault.

"It's not your fault, you realize that right? You didn't come here intending to shoot her" Cas tried to reason with him, but to no avail as Dean got up and looked at him angrily

"But I did, I shot her, and by the time I realized it, it was too late, and I should've died along with her." The sentence ended without any of the fire it had begun with, and Dean sunk along with his words.

"I had to protect you, you weren't looking, it's my job to protect you." he thought back to when they arrived at the building, hunting some now irrelevant monster, he remembered how Dean had said he wanted to get it over quick so that he could find a Christmas present for Sammy. It must've been the reason that when he saw a figure come from around the corner he shot at it before really looking at it, he probably would've grinned at the successful thud if the hadn't heard the high pitched scream. He dropped his gun in shock, he stood dazed, as the actual monster approached, but it was obvious that he wasn't going to stop it. He most likely thought that he deserved all the torture that would've come, if Cas hadn't shot it before it ever reached him.

Dean didn't want to leave the body there, stating that he didn't want her parents to sit home all Christmas day worrying, and convincing themselves that she would be found alive, _because she wouldn't. _So Cas transported the body to hospital parking lot and left, making sure he was undetected. When he got back to the motel where Dean and Sam were staying for the hunt and the following holidays, he found that Dean hadn't returned yet. When Sam inquired Dean's whereabouts, Cas explained very calmly what had happened in the last few hours.

"Okay" Sam said very calmly "that still doesn't explain where Dean is though." Cas thought about that for a moment.

"I suppose you're right."

They both agreed that he was probably at some dive bar drinking away his worries and that it would be best if they didn't try to interfere. It was one of the longest nights either of them had ever experienced.

When dawn rolled around and he had yet to return, they decided it was time for them to go out search for him. They didn't need to look far, as Dean was collapsed in front of the door, when they picked him up to carry him inside he began to mumble "I lost the key to the door, I failed, I'm a failure and a murderer and I deserve to die, because I killed her Cas, I bet she asked Santa for a pony, all little girls want ponies, and I bet her daddy let her put the star on the Christmas tree, she looked like she was six. She was wearing penguin footie pajamas and bows in her hair, _bows_Cas, red and green bows, and I killed her, not some monster, _me._" He was sobbing uncontrollably into Cas' coat, but he had lapsed into unconsciousness by the time they go him into bed.

"I've uh, got to go do something I'll be back later" Cas informed Sam as he made his way to the door.

"Yeah, okay. Later, Cas." Sam called out as he shut the door.

Cas didn't return until early the next morning, and the sight he was greeted with was definitely not your average Christmas morning. Sam was just waking and Dean was nursing a bottle of whiskey. Definitely not your average Christmas.

"CAS! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! Merry Kwanza! Kwanza isn't a holiday, never mind that last bit. Hey Cas what if Mary had had an abortion?" Sam laughed at the last bit. Then turned to Cas. "I'll take happy dunk dean over sad drunk Dean any day." Cas nodded in agreement wondering if it would last all day, he doubted it. "Well how about we just get presents over and done with" Sam suggested, and Dean's face dropped, but before he could say anything about not having a gift Cas interjected "okay let me go get deans gift for you, I'm not sure he'll be able to remember where he hid it" he then pretended to rummage through draw until he produced a poorly wrapped box. "Yep that's definitely Deans wrapping" Sam laughed. Sam had gotten Dean a cherry pie, an AC/DC CD and ten dollars, and Dean (Cas) had gotten Sam a pink hairbrush, a small plastic moose, and twenty dollars. Cas had not intended to be part of the gift exchange but received a gift from Sam (and Dean); a Mickey mouse tie. Dean got drunker and Sam sat quietly on his laptop, at around 3 p.m. Sam stood to leave, promising to be home before midnight. At around 4 Dean went from happy go lucky drunk dean, to drunken despair Dean, sobbing and going over everything that had happened that night. Cas didn't want to be seen as an intruder so he made a move to leave the room, but Deans voice stopped him.

"Please don't leave, I need you, please hold me." A sober Dean would have never requested this but Cas didn't think of that, he only rushed to hold _his_ hunter, he wrapped his arms wrapped around the unnaturally cold man. Soon Dean turned to face the angel, _his_ angel. Dean smelled like booze but that did nothing to deter Cas from kissing Dean's cheek as he drifted off to sleep in Cas' arms.

And that's how Sam found them the next morning, as he returned from his Christmas escapades.

A/N2: So this is supposed to be a one shot, but after I finished it, I realized that I kind of want to continue with it, so if you would read more chapters PLEASE tell me, or follow the story or whatever. Also, please review, because I like all authors, thrive off of approval ;)

AAAANNNDDDDD, we out.


	2. Guilt

A/N: I don't really have much to say here, except of course: I don't own Supernatural, and I'll never own Supernatural. There is some unsavory language used in this chapter. Enjoy.

It continued like that for days, Dean would wake up to find Castiel pulling away from his vice grip, and moving to sit in one of the motel chairs. Dean would frown as he grabbed a bottle off the nightstand, but after a few gulps, a satisfying fog would dance over his head, and make him forget everything. He would joke and talk with Sam and Castiel throughout the day, and then when Sam had some lame excuse to leave for the night, Dean would succumb to the silence, and relive the horror. Cas, feeling awkward and not knowing what to do, would attempt to leave the room, only to be stopped by Dean calling out to him

"Please don't leave, I need you" a pause and then "hold me."

And Cas would let him cry into his coat and fall asleep in his arms. And then the next day would be the same. About a week or so after the _incident, _as Cas liked to refer to it, Dean seemed to be doing better, after waking up it would be an hour or so before he started drinking, and he only got about halfway through the bottle, and a couple of times he didn't ask Cas to stay, though he still wanted him to. But without fail he would still wake up to Castiel untangling himself from their mess of limbs in the morning. Everything was going well, or as well as anything can go for a chronically depressed alcoholic, when Dean decided to try and distract himself with some television. Being as it was eleven o'clock on a Saturday night, there was jack shit to watch on TV, and Dean was forced to watch the news.

"_Tonight's top story is the conviction of Thomas Merrill, who was charged with the murder of six year old Anna Jones; Merrill has been given life with no chance of parole. The trial has taken a toll on Anna's parents who say they're just glad that 'the bastard didn't get away with it' they've also been quoted as saying that 'even though they'll never truly get over the death of their little princess, this has helped them gain some-"_Cas turned off the TV,but the look on Dean's face said that it was too late. As cursed under his breath, how had he not realized that the death of a little girl would be investigated, and broadcast all over the news, why hadn't he convinced Dean to just turn off the TV and go to sleep? While mentally berating himself, he heard a frantic opening and shutting of drawers behind him. He turned around to find Dean rummaging through the nightstand and dresser looking for any alcohol he could find.

"You know that's not going to solve anything Dean." Cas said disapprovingly.

"Fuck you Cas." Dean spat "what would you know anyway, you don't have feel that little girls pain, you don't have to see her face every time you shut your eyes. So you don't get to say anything. You should have left me to that monster, fucking goody-two-shoes angel has to go around saving people, who don't deserve it." Dean had discovered two half full bottles, and one quarter filled one; he took them over to his bed and began to drink. Castiel knew there would be no request to be held that night so, he left silently promising to return in the morning.

Cas had spent the night just outside the door, so he didn't have to waste time returning the room the next morning. And when the sun finally rose and he rushed inside, he was glad he'd glad he'd stood with his back against the door all night. Dean had turned a bluish color, and his body temperature was below what it should have been, there was vomit dribble down his shirt, and all the bottles lie empty on the bed. Castiel rushed to the phone and called 911, he tried to bring Dean to consciousness, as he waited. He just hoped he wasn't too late; he couldn't lose Dean, how could he survive without his hunter? When the ambulance finally arrived, Cas was at a loss for words.

"Name of the patient?" he said impatiently as his partner began to load Dean onto a stretcher.

"Umm Dean" Cas said quietly

"He got a last name?"

"Winchester"

"Has he had any alcohol in the past twenty-four hours?" the man, asked though he had already marked the box with a yes.

"Does he have any allergies or a history of disease?" the man asked quickly as his partner was signaling him to hurry.

"I uh, I don't really know." Cas said sheepishly, wishing he could be more of a help.

"Look man, I'm going to give you some advice, free of charge. Get away from this guy, you may love him, but this is obviously a destructive relationship, it ain't fair to either of you. Get away while you can." Castiel was confused, was the man implying that he had a sexual relationship Dean? But before he could ask, the ambulance began to drive away, before it was gone though, the man called out.

"You should get tested, it looks like this guys probably more than his fair share of partners!" Castiel's cheeks flushed pink, as he went to collect some of Dean's things to take to the hospital.

Cas sat awkwardly in a hospital chair waiting for doctor, the EMT's words turning over an over in his head.

"Oh hello you must be Mr. Winchesters. . . ?" The doctor said with a raise of his brow. Castiel thought a moment before answering; he didn't want to be restricted from seeing Dean.

"Cousin" the doctor looked skeptic.

"Well it appears your _cousin_ has suffered from alcohol poisoning, we'll need to keep him for a few days, but he should be just fine. You're very lucky you found him when you did, had he been like that for much longer . . . well lets just say he'd be a lot worse off." And on that note he left.

"Dean, don't you dare you scare me like that ever again." Cas said to sleeping man, and then leaned back to watch him sleep.

A/N2: BOOM, chapter 2. That sucked to write, it made me sad. I'll probably write some happier stuff for next chapter, so there won't be much plot development. ALSO: Don't get too used to me posting chapters everyday, because as much as I'd like to, life doesn't usually work that way.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE: Some of you may wonder where the fuck Sam is. I've got stuff planned for him, but it might be a while, before we see anything of significance from him.

AANND, we out.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This is short, but I wanted to post something. So there you go, happier stuff. I don't own Supernatural, never have, probably never will (but I refuse to rule anything out.). If I've made any continuity errors, I apologize; feel free to call me out on them. Enjoy.

Cas waited patiently for Dean to wake up. He'd been sitting there looking at Dean for hours. He needed to get up and try and get a hold of Sam and tell him they were at the hospital, but he couldn't do that until he saw with his own eyes that Dean was okay. Dean looked so peaceful, for the time in weeks; he hadn't looked so serene since the _incident. _It was at that moment when Dean finally woke up.

"Where the hell am I?" he looked around in confusion, beginning to tug at all the chords and wires surrounding him.

"You're at the hospital, for alcohol poisoning" Cas said quietly now unable to look Dean in the face. He felt like he could finally exhale, walking in on Dean like that had really shaken him.

"Hey Cas, are you okay man?" Cas took a deep breath, anger finally taking over.

"Dean you were blue, like a fucking corpse. You looked- I thought- I was so scared."

"I'm sorry Cas." Dean muttered, but Castiel wasn't sure if it was sincere or not.

"I've got to go contact Sam and inform him of the current situation" Cas said walking towards the door.

"Cas go out and get me a burger, I refuse to eat hospital food! And fries Cas! Large fries! I know you heard me!" Dean shouted at him as he walked down the hall to find a payphone.

Sam had been at the library and said it would be a while before he could get out to the hospital. Cas had thought that was suspicious as the hospital was only a few from the library, but decided to ignore and told him that Dean was stable so it didn't really matter how long it took him to get to the hospital. Cas had decided to walk to the nearest burger joint, because he wasn't sure what he was going to say too Dean when he had to face him again. There was no valid reason for Cas to feel tense about the situation, but he did.

**Back at the hospital**

Dean was thinking about food when an attractive young nurse walked in his room and began to check his IV.

"There seems to be a problem with the bed" he said innocently. The nurse looked over skeptically, obviously having heard the line many times before.

"Oh honey, I don't know why you're hitting on me when you've got yourself such an attractive boyfriend." Dean scoffed.

"I'm not gay." The woman laughed and muttered under her breath "could have fooled me." Dean got defensive.

"I've been with plenty of woman."

"They were probably trying to turn you, I'm sorry to break it to you sugar, but you give off a very 'I like dick in my ass' vibe." Dean was just going to ignore the comment, but he noticed something very wrong about it.

"Whoa there, did you say I like dick in my ass? Even if I was gay, I still wouldn't be taking it, I would be _giving_ it. Look at me, I ooze macho bullshit." He explained loudly. She patted him on the head and said "Keep telling yourself that, maybe one day it'll be true. There will be another nurse in here to give meds, in about an hour." Then she disappeared. Cas wasn't there, so he was resigned to thinking about what the nurse had said, it couldn't be true. When the new nurse came in to give him his meds, the first words out of his mouth were, "Do I give off a gay vibe?"

Though he had taken his time getting to the burger joint, he rushed back as he didn't want the food to get cold. Dean was delighted to see that Cas had actually gotten him food. As he thanked him for it he thought about all the things he'd never thanked Castiel for. They weighed heavy on his mind, putting a damper on the greasy fast food.

"Hey Cas?" dean said after he had finished his food.

"Yeah?"

" I just wanted to thank you for- the food, it hit the spot." Castiel knew that he wasn't really referring to the food, but it was good enough for him.

"I enjoyed doing it; you didn't inconvenience me at all." And Dean knew that he wasn't referring to the food.

A/N2: Sam will be making an actual appearance next chapter, so stay tuned. Also, Followers and favorites assure me that people are reading it an want more chapters but, reviews keep me motivated *very obvious wink*. Feedback is always appreciated.

AANNNDD, we out.


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